Codependency Rocks

Too Near the Warpath
Too Near the Warpath

Okay, it doesn’t really rock, but it’s good for fiction. It’s not even considered a real condition by some mental health professionals. It used to be called “passive dependent personality.” But I thought that was the ideal of womanhood? Men, this is why we too are confused by constantly changing definitions of mental health! Sitting in a diner a few years back I overheard (because I was eavesdropping) a man telling his friend that what he really wanted was a good old-fashioned codependent relationship. My son and I laughed about it knowing how he felt. Throwing ourselves under buses for others and then resenting it were long family traditions we were proud of–until I went to an Alanon meeting and listened to the people who had been attending for years and recycling all of the abuse and heartache they’d experienced. It was kind of sickening.

My parents both came from alcoholic homes but managed to escape full-blown martyrdom but it’s a slippery slope when the addicts and alcoholics march back into the circle and you watch in your passive way as your kids fall for the charm of the druggie. And there is a charm. My father could sniff a heroin addict a mile away. I’d still be insisting he was cute and misunderstood.

Thank God Katherine McCullough came along as a character before I read Codependency No More which basically assigns every caring emotion, every angry emotion and every weird emotion to codependency status. Yes, Katherine is maddeningly passive as a young wife and mother, but give her a break, will you? Her parents are pleasant and abusive and controlling. Her husband is secretive, aloof and loving. Any girl would be confused.

He could be Katherine's father.
He could be Katherine’s father.
And she could quite easily be Katherine's mother.
And she could quite easily be Katherine’s mother.

Someone asked me why Katherine is so blind to her husband’s addiction. When writing Katherine my ideal man was an addict who finally sees the light and reforms–not a man who never was an addict. We codependents or passive dreamer types are an odd lot of screw-ups, but I’d rather write novels than sit in a church basement crying into my coffee. Sure, I cringe at some of Katherine’s familiar antics, but it’s with the knowledge of 4 more books for her to grow through. She was on the right track going  for the military guy though. I did that the second time around and discovered a sane, self-sufficient man can be oddly less boring than I thought.  We’ll just have to see if Katherine gets that lucky with John.

This week is their week–a week about screwed up love. If doing it right was easy we’d have short novels and no war. In honor of imperfect relationships I’m having a $.99 Kindle eBook sale on The House on Tenafly Road this upcoming weekend Feb 15-16 (the day after Valentine’s Day makes you begin to wish you had a morphine-addicted spouse–or maybe  realize, damn, you have it good).

So gather up your pennies (c’mon it won’t break the bank) and buy the book. Tell your friends, too–you know, the ones who like really falling in love with screwed up characters who redeem themselves. Or the ones who like page-turners with military heroes. Or the ones who like big books with maps. Love, death, maps and redemption–who could ask for anything more?

book cover createspace

8 thoughts on “Codependency Rocks

  1. My husband and I refuse to acknowledge the existence of a co-dependent relationship. We call it interdependent. We each have our roles. We get along fine with that. We don’t need the negative connotations, but neither of us could function well without the other 🙂

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    • That’s really sweet. I like that. Yes, I think relying on each other instead of manipulating each other is probably the big difference in the two words, but none of us are perfect 🙂

      A therapist once remarked that my parents were both really codependent but that they’d chosen each other well because their codependent behaviors complimented each other. I thought that was funny and true.

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      • Codependency was once thought of as a negative thing, but more and more, psychologists are realizing that degree of codependency is actually vital to a healthy relationship. We hear a lot about it because my husband is in AA. When I was a psych nurse (90s) it was a bad word…everyone was fighting for Independence! We do need each other.

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      • Exactly! Independence is overrated. 🙂 I love studying the history of medicine because there’s so much we think we know and then we don’t know–it reminds me again how lovably flawed we all are.

        I have a huge respect for nurses, btw.

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  2. Atheists don’t understand how addicts need a higher power to recover. If people listened they might figure out how the Duck Dynasty people became religious. I don’t even follow the show, but something one said on the news made it clear.

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    • Whenever I see the bumper sticker of Darwin in the Christian fish symbol I wonder what sort of person would carry around so much anger towards something they believe is just a fairytale.All day long they drive around advertizing how much they hate Christianity. I just think it would be a heavy load to carry. I’m a firm believer in bumper stickers that support something–whatever it is–not tear down others.

      The Robertsons are an intriguing family. I’m 100% for freedom of speech–especially when it comes to freedom to express religious beliefs–go Pilgrims!

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