Adoption

“The old time blacks,” wrote James Thomas, “never used to take much stock in the ‘Yaller’ Nigger. They called him ‘No Nation,’ ‘a Mule,’ ‘yaller hammer.’” *

Mulattoes under slavery were in a tight spot. Often times a master’s half-white children were brought in as house slaves. Some were educated and some were eventually given their freedom.  ANDREW WARD suggests in his book DARK MIDNIGHT WHEN I RISE that some women slaves submitted to their masters for the very reason that their children might be seen differently and treated better—but by whom? Their skin betrayed to all that tribal lines had been crossed.

Darker slaves saw themselves as superior blacks with pure blood.

They even admired their masters for keeping the races pure. We can only imagine what white mistresses thought about their husbands’ liaisons (or what fathers thought when their daughters eloped with black slaves).  Yet even light blacks expressed certain stereotypes. “Some folks say that when a ‘Nigger’ is so black he just naturally mean.”*

Ward tells of a Jubilee Singer’s lineage, one so full of halves and fulls, of slaves and whites, we are met with again the notion that race, color and stereotypes are never simple things.

We do judge books by their covers. We all do. I do.

This summer my (soon to be adopted) “low-functioning” daughter and I sat waiting at the station with my two “normal” teenagers who were taking a bus south (to New Jersey). A young man about twenty interrupted our good-natured bickering about money for snacks for the bus.

You know that feeling of slight annoyance when someone asks for change and they seem to be pouring on the gratitude a bit thick?

In truth we were looking for change for the vending machine and the young man in wrinkled clothes was looking for a dollar bill. We did an even exchange and after profusely thanking us he walked off.

The bus was late.

Saratoga Springs Station is a quiet place. I like eavesdropping and people watching. I’d made up my mind that the rough-around-the-edges young man now grubbing a cigarette from the obviously university educated man about the same age was the type to find trouble. I cringed at the way the university guy gave over a cigarette with faint disgust.

Yet something about the young smoker cursing up a storm now and pacing as he spoke on an old phone to a family member in Pittsburgh mesmerized me.

From what I could catch the young man was dead broke. He had a 24 hour layover somewhere west, and he looked rake thin. Maybe because I felt a tad guilty for judging him, after we saw my teenagers off, I slipped the smoker some money (I say this not to brag of my generosity for I’d just spent a good thirty minutes eavesdropping and judging). Now when this sort of thing happens my tendency is to never make eye contact. I’m shy and don’t like intimate encounters, but for some reason our eyes met and the young man cried.

I mumbled something about God loving him or something (I NEVER do this) but felt even though I was in a hurry to move on that he needed some basic inspiration and this is what popped into my head.

My girl and I walked to the car. We sat in the car mulling things over. The good thing about “low functioning” people is sometimes they just cut to the chase. My girl said, “You feel it too, don’t you? We should go back.”

I turned the key in the ignition. “No. What would we say? No, we did what we could.” We drove around the parking lot three times. I kept hoping the kid would be gone but there he sat, now with his head in his hands, shoulders shaking.

“God wants us to go back!” my kid kept saying with urgency.

I will admit that by now after having met the young man’s eyes my entire perception of him changed. As we lingered at the exit before a stop sign I was compelled to turn around, park and with pounding heart and red face walk up to the man who I now noted had a bruised face.

My girl looked up to me for words. I stumbled around a bit but finally said, “Okay, so you may think we’re freaks but something . . .” I looked at my girl. “Well, you see, we think God wants us to sit with you for a while.”

I waited for him to tell us to back off. He didn’t. He told us his life story. He told us his mother abandoned him to foster care where he spent days locked up in a room without food. My kid told him she’d experienced the very same thing.

Imagine a little girl and a full grown man crying over past hurts.

It was obvious from the man’s story that he’d made some mistakes in life with so little guidance and so little love. He’d moved from his grandfather’s house a while back for a good job in construction. After a falling out with his boss and a night spend drinking his unemployment news away, someone mugged him. Only moments ago he’d called his sister begging for her to meet him  somewhere only to be told his grandfather had just died but they’d had no way of contacting  him. The phone he had called her from had been borrowed.

Okay so some of you reading this may be thinking the guy was just a storyteller. But to me it was this incredible God moment. We prayed together (again, I’m pretty private about my prayer life but there was this compulsion—something beyond myself, beyond my girl, too). The man mentioned he read the Bible hardly ever (I mean, who really does?).

My girl, only a year from the mental ward where we were told she had no hope and that she’d spend her life a zombie, ran back to the car.

I had told her to bring a book to read in the car because sometimes she just talks and talks and talks. I get peevish when this happens. She ran up to us breathlessly and handed the man named William her raggedly little Children’s Bible someone had given her long before I knew her.

This man William  (I hope he’s doing well) was tanned from outdoor work. My girl was pale white from the hospital and group home and I was freckled. But for a brief moment we were all the same.

Quotes from DARK MIDNIGHT WHEN I RISE

Related: WHAT IT REALLY COSTS TO FOLLOW JESUS

  ADOPTING FROM FOSTER CARE

 

13 thoughts on “Adoption

  1. This post touched me so much Adrienne – on so many levels.
    I enjoy watching the show Intervention and it’s interesting – and very upsetting – to hear some of the stories the addicted people have pushed down deep inside them. Just last night I wanted to crawl into the TV and slap a teenager’s mother who beat HER OWN 14 year old daughter when she found her lover lying on top of her. The mother said, during one of the interviews, that the guy was ‘handsome, kind and generous’. I think the ‘generous’ part was what interested her and she just wasn’t gonna lose him… even though he just raped her child.
    As you know, everyone has their own backstory. And some stories, like the one told to you and your daughter by that young man, just break your heart.
    I know you didn’t post this to be praised. And I’m so glad you did post because it shows how giving someone else a bit of kindness, a bit of our time – and looking them in the eye – can mean much more than we’ll ever know.
    Like you, I don’t say this often, but, ‘God bless you’!! ; o )

    Like

    • Thanks, Cecile. Jesus changed my life, but I can be such a cowardly baby about it. Funny how I’m more afraid of what strangers will think than what the creator of the universe might think sometimes. 🙂

      Someone very close to me went through a similar thing with her mother–but somehow she forgave her and her stepfather. Now that’s pretty impressive.

      Liked by 1 person

      • This person forgave despite nothing really changing. She moved on to have a very happy, healthy life. Her sisters–one in particular–never really got over her mother’s bad decisions and sadly her life never became what it could have.

        My humble opinion is that unlike her sister she had no sense of faith in a higher power, no sense that she was loved by this higher power (or anyone). She sought help in books and theories but since she had no trust in humanity or God the only thing left was I life of isolated bitterness.

        The person who forgave always told me she did so because carrying the anger would have ruined what actually was good in her life. In a very romantic and old fashioned way she was rescued by her future husband. This balanced her view of men big time. 🙂

        Like

      • How wonderful that your friend found such a wonderful and loving husband. I loved what you wrote about having a sense of a higher, loving power. I believe God loves us unconditionally – and many of the ‘sins’ religion has made up… like not eating pork or, as it was when I was a child, not going to church on Sunday being a mortal sin.
        As you said, without that knowledge of love and forgiveness which comes from God, your friend probably wouldn’t have been able to forgive. Esp. when nothing changed.
        I still have inner anger at my mother, who was, for the most part, a good woman. She saved her nasty side for me… And she was not very introspective. She was born in 1919 and was brought up to ‘not talk about things’… just push them under the rug.
        Thanks for sharing your story about your friend. It’s inspired me to work harder on getting over my lingering anger towards my mother.

        Like

      • That “not talking about things” makes coming to mutual understanding a little difficult. 😉 I’d hardly know a thing about my father’s history if my mother wasn’t such a talker. She made everything into a story. My father would roll his eyes–but he liked those stories a lot.

        It’s funny, I’ve been writing for a while about my fictional Buck Crenshaw who is singled out for especially harsh treatment from his mother and then everywhere I go lately people are suffering under the same sort of thing. That’s life I guess.

        I grew up Catholic, too. I was terrified of God and angry at him too (the imagined him). Once I read the Bible through I realized it really was a love story and invitation from God–not at all what I had been taught or picked up in culture and random Bible snippets. Also the stories and words are so beautiful and elevating it’s hard not to fall in love with it. I think the book gets a very bad wrap because stuff is taken out of context.

        Human corruption yet again–but God seems to love us anyway. Best wishes to you and your mother, Cecile.
        A

        Liked by 1 person

      • Sadly… sometimes when we’re brought up Catholic… and this goes for a lot of organized religions …. we’re always being told what’s a sin and that God will be angry with us. And that’s the farthest thing from the truth. God is love.

        Like

  2. My entire body is tingling, Adrienne. Such a touching story. So often I’ve heard that the folks begging on the street are druggies and alcoholics and they’re not in need anyway. That may often be true and I’m sure there are lots of scammers out there. It just feels right sometimes to give. Your little girl has it right on so many levels. She may have limitations but her heart is huge and golden – so is yours.

    I just read this a second time.

    Like

    • The thing that really got me was the boy was a little younger than my own son–he could have been my son–that’s what my heart felt in the moment. There also was a pay-off for me. It was that rare feeling of being exactly where God wanted me to be. I learned a lot that day. One main thing was to be more open to those inner promptings I usually ignore because I’m afraid.

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s