Welcome to Family Histories (Holiday Edition). I’ve invited readers and bloggers to share holiday themed pieces with the accent on “Family” and “History” in any way they like. I’m pleased to offer you this Thanksgiving  visit  from Chris Michaels’ memory bank:

” Pass The Pie “

Holidays.

You have to admit, there’s very
few occasions that create more
memories than those family
get-togethers around the holidays.

My grandmother had a tradition –
– she liked to do Thanksgiving
at her house each year, which,
considering how well she cooked,
became quite a favorite event in
my family over the years.

There were several dishes she
could make that no-one has
ever gotten close to doing as well.

Lovely.

Yes, Thanksgiving during my
teen years was very special.

Well,
usually, that is.

Except for the time
my Aunt Minnie made such
a fuss over it, that it was
somehow decided
(on the board room level)
that she could host it at
her house that year.

I can still tell you
exactly which year
that was – 1974.

Memorable?
Oh sure.

Because it was the year
of the great ‘pie in the eye’
controversy.

Now, to start with,
lemme say that it was
a complete accident……

Alright, I’ll start at
the beginning.

Nobody had asked me –
– I was a kid – but the idea
of going over to her house
for dinner at Thanksgiving
just seemed like a terrible
waste of a perfectly good
holiday – not to mention
missing out on all my
Grandmother’s traditional
goodies.

And it didn’t take long for
the idea to start losing any
merit it ever had-
(if it ever had any)
when Aunt Minnie
proclaimed that everybody
would bring a cooked
dinner component,
so she wouldn’t have
to cook herself.

Perhaps it did make sense
on some cosmic level –
considering that the
predominant flavor profile
in all of my Aunt’s cooking
could be described as
‘ewww, that’s way too salty‘.

She was the only person I knew
that had a 50 pound bag of
Morton’s salt in her pantry.

When it rains, it pours.

( It was widely rumored among
us youngsters that the lady lost
her sense of taste and smell in
a gas attack during the
Crimean War –
ok, so, hey,
we were still kids,
and didn’t know that much about
history, but still, her taste buds
had to have gone somewhere. )

But my Aunt wasn’t much
on organizational things….
and so, when she told
everybody to bring ‘a dish’,
I guess she just assumed that
they knew what she meant.

And, considering how long
she had been a member,
(a charter member, one
might say), she should have
remembered that our patronymic
name’s alternative meaning in
it’s original language was
something resembling ‘cheapskate‘.

When the final menu was
assembled and inventoried
on the big day, the holiday
haul consisted of:
several (5) cans of green beans,
1 can of French Fried Onions
(meant as a topper for the
green beans applied ‘a la minute’),
a yellowish gray jello-mold thing,
1 canned ham,
a tray of Gino’s pizza rolls,
a large turkey-noodle casserole,
some damp and foul smelling
slimy stuffing-ish substance,
macaroni cheese (still in the box),
a package of hot dogs and buns,
a hunk of Kielbasa,
cookies (my Grandmother’s)
and a very large assortment
of cold drinks and alcoholic
beverages.

Happily, my family brought
some pumpkin pies
and whipped cream.

Now, I have to say that,
due to the turkey-noodle
casserole, my Uncle Harry
didn’t put on his usual
big production about carving
the bird, which might have had a
motivating factor in the choice,
for all I know, although it still
tasted, of course, as awful as
it sounds.

During ‘dinner’,
my Aunt Minnie used her
once-in-a-lifetime home court
advantage to full effect :

She started with a blessing that
included a plea to the Almighty
to help:

my older cousin Larry ‘get a
real job instead of living off
the fat of the land’,

my Grandmother to
‘share the holiday’,

my Mom to ‘dress more
appropriately’

and other assorted
helpful suggestions
like that ………

While passing the green beans
(served three different ways)
she was also kind enough to
remind me that she didn’t like
the length of my hair, my clothes, my manners, and my plans to go into the Navy
when I was old enough.

As the pie was coming out,
she was ragging on me
for not bringing a date….
‘you’re old enough to have
a girl friend, aren’t you?’ ….

Hey, who would subject
anybody they liked to
dinner with Aunt Minnie?

But you see,
no matter how hard
the going gets at one
of these doooos —-

one always must keep some kind of
secret plan for sweet revenge in the
back of your mind, just in case.

And I had one, too, buddy……

It was more fantasy than plan, really….

— involving an innocuous looking
can of Reddi Whip that my family had brought with the pies —

— one would only need to
shake firmly, point it in the
right direction and push down
on the tip for instant gratification.

Uh huh..

Ever hear of ‘thinking’ out loud?

Well, what about ‘doing’ out loud ?

One naughty thought caused
the slightest pressure on the
nozzle to explode in a very
specific direction —
— all over my Aunt.

Ooooops.

“Oh, I’m soooo sorry…..”

“Well, “,
my mother added helpfully:
“…. that wasn’t exactly a new dress there, Aunt Minnie… ”
(she’d worn it every year
since 1957) ”
….. and accidents will happen,
ya know “.

You know how they say that
every cloud has a silver lining?

It certainly was nice to have
all our Thanksgivings back at
my Grandmother’s house again…

And we did for many
delicious and memorable
years afterwards.

Happy Holidays, y’all.

.

For more of Chris Michaels go visit his FANTASTIC Blog: THE MUSCLEHEADED BLOG