Last week I let my fears get the best of me — and it’s not the first time.
Many of my bad decisions over the years have come from a place of fear. I wish the fears were related to grizzly bears or insects because it’s pretty easy to rid yourself of those types of fears since they’re obvious.
My fearful tendencies are usually more subtle because I’m great at rationalizing them or ignoring the deeper causes all together.
A few weeks back my husband got me a pony (actually a mini horse) and I was thrilled for about three days.
Here’s what triggered an insane panic attack that also lasted about three days (not including the physical recovery time):
- When the lady dropped off Hobbes he was much bigger than I imagined he would be — and to be fair — much cuter. He was also skittish and head shy. This we had been warned about but it was still unnerving since he was at least a hundred pounds bigger than I thought he would be. The kind lady had spent a year working to get him used to people and did a great job but he still has a long way to go. The FEAR set in when she mentioned he needed his hooves trimmed ASAP.
- I called a vet-recommended farrier whose tone let me know right away that he thought I was an idiot for taking in an unknown rescue animal. The more he talked the more I could feel my excitement draining from me while fear flooded in. He said he’d come by in a few weeks. That meant each day that I woke in dread of his call since Hobbes was just barely letting me touch him.
- Randomly, this other lady who I’d been talking to over the last few months who does Christ-based equine therapy for humans called me about something. When I told her I had a mini horse now she was super excited for me, but warned me that if there was one thing I should know it was that Hobbes should NEVER EVER be given second cut hay because it is too rich and the horse could die from founder (which is a sort of fever in the feet). She continued to give good advice that I don’t remember because I was pacing the floor waiting for her to hang up. As soon as she did I raced to the barn and tore the second cut hay outta there.
- I spent the day driving around to all the places in the county that I could think of that had first cut hay to no avail. I also forgot to eat. By nightfall I was a mess and spread the lovely anxiety all through the house as my husband called the guy he knew — but the guy was drunk and didn’t have any hay.
Did I mention that I burst out crying to a few people I didn’t really know over the course of the day?
Now here’s the part I find so amazing. I had been praying to God to reveal my weaknesses and also to make it clear that the revelation would be from Him. I assumed if ever I got an answer it would be something about impatience.
As I walked through the two days of hell that I basically created I felt in my soul that God was answering the prayer: FEAR OF MAN IS MY IDOL OF CHOICE
The fear of man brings a snare, But he who trusts in the LORD will be exalted. Proverbs 29:25
You shall not fear man, for the judgment is God’s The case that is too hard for you, you shall bring to me, and I will hear it. Deuteronomy 1:17
If I were to say to you that I was afraid for Hobbes and his health that would only be the side of the thing I wanted you to see and maybe applaud me for, but the truth is as I ran around all day my thoughts were about the condemnation and shame I would feel if it were exposed to the unknown farrier and the unknown imaginary judges that I was imperfect and in way over my head.
Fear and shame run rife in my family, but that doesn’t mean I get to wallow in it. I wallowed for a little while until I remembered a sign advertising hay I’d passed many times. This is silly but even at my age I still feel a strong anxiety about phone calls especially when I’m in need, but I knew that I could not let my husband make the call. I knew God was basically saying that fear just wasn’t a foolish thing but a total lack of faith in Him and an idol that kept me from living a victorious life (church speak).
But He turned and said to Peter, “Get behind Me, Satan! You are an offense to Me, for you are not mindful of the things of God, but the things of men.”Matthew 16:23
I called and the guy on the other end answered.
“I’m really hoping you have hay because I’m desperate and freaking out because we have a mini horse and there’s no way he’ll lift his feet for the farrier and I’m irrationally afraid that he’s going to die of founder by tomorrow morning — he won’t right???”
There was a long pause. “Hey, take a deep breath. Your horse will be fine. Okay, what I want you to do is enjoy tonight with your family. I’ll set a few bales of hay out tomorrow morning and you come by and I’ll give you some help since I have a few minis myself.”
There was something in his voice that was super Zen.
I was shaking on the phone because as he was speaking I knew God was showing me what life could be like if I didn’t carry around a whole ton of pride and shame.
When I got off the phone I burst into tears. Our adopted daughter came beside me and said, “I didn’t know you were anxious like me. That’s another way that we are like twins.”
Apparently she was happy about it.
When I got to the horse barn the next day I was a lot calmer. I realized that if Hobbes didn’t get his feet done right away it wasn’t all my fault — after only a few days of knowing him. I wasn’t a superstar trainer. This would be a huge learning season for me. The man with the hay took time out to show me ways to calm Hobbes (and me) down. He was so kind and not judgemental!
It reminded me of how in elementary school I was so humiliated that I didn’t already know the stuff the teacher was being paid to teach me. Irrational but me — STILL.
The lady who gave us the horse called and offered to come show me how to handle the hoof situation (this also made me cry because she offered to drive an hour and a half for free!). When she came Hobbes was a brute and didn’t let her do a thing which was oddly comforting.
There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear: because fear has to do with punishment. He that fears is not made perfect in love. 1 John 4:18
Further reading:
Author Adrienne Morris 
24 responses to “Have You Ever Been Fearful?”
I love your honesty–and so many of us can relate to the freaking-out bit where you just spiral and can’t think straight. So glad the calm Zen master came to help:). And poor Hobbes. To have been so mistreated or neglected that he is scared of everyone. Oy. My dog was a huge wreck when we got her at 8 months. She had been abandoned twice. And now–with love–she is so very different. Your love–he’ll feel it over time. And it’ll change him:).
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Glad you can relate. Isn’t it so funny that we think we’re the only ones who aren’t perfect even though we know that’s a lie? Is your dog big or little? Was she a pound pup?
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She’s 90 lbs! We rescued her, but she came from the friend of the family who is giving her up. They lived in a high-rise apartment and probably never should’ve had a dog to begin with. She had been abandoned before that as a puppy. I just don’t understand my family who can keep a dog for eight months and then callously say they’re done.
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I think sometimes we hope for the best but things don’t work out. I’ve seen it in foster care for humans. Everyone has good intentions but sometimes the relationship or circumstances just aren’t a good fit. We took my sister-in-laws Great Pyrenees puppy when someone gave it to her for free. She lived in an NYC apartment and worked 12 hours a day. LOL. I was at home with my first baby (we lived in a five story walk up! it was insane because the dog wasn’t trained and every time he had to go out I had to strap on a heavy back pack with my 20 pound son in it. Like in your case the dog who we loved found a great home with a man who needed a service dog and had been on a long Great Pyrenees waiting list. Sounds like your dog is exactly where he should be too! xxoo
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It will take time and patience, but eventually, you and Hobbes will be friends. Don’t worry. Take it one day at a time.
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You are right. Thanks, Brian!
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Bon week-end Adrienne. (Spoken with a French accent) 😉
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A New Jersey accented reply: You too!
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Haha! Nice to put a “voice” on a text. Now, only Adrienne was said in “French”. My English is rather “posh” British. 😉
Be good my friend.
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Adrienne, you’ve got the biggest heart in the world. I’m not Christian, as you know, but I believe that God wants us to be the best we can be. However, we are human, not divine, and full of flaws, so we are meant to be the best humans we can be. Your little Hobbes added another dimension to your life but it will take time before you fully know how to properly care for him. A learning experience and it’s OK that you don’t yet know all you need to.
As for me being fearful – I’m afraid of the dark. Seriously, I am. Just one of my thousands of human flaws.
BTW – I love the way your daughter tried to comfort her. She’s also got a big heart.
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I bet a walk in the woods at night would terrify you — and me! LOL. Sometimes I wake up in the night and the big starry sky frightens me. I know it’s crazy but I worry that I’ll see something weird floating by. 🙂
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Sometimes, as with your pony purchase, fear is sensible, and needs manning – as you did. My phobia is heights which can paralyse me
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Ugh! I love the way your daughter tried to comfort YOU!
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LOL. I knew what you meant. 😉
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My husband is afraid o heights too. No Ferris wheels for him. LOL
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I tried the London Eye – I was paralysed
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🙂 I hope all goes well with your recue horse there are too many unloved animals in this world. (I have no doubt everything will turn out fine)
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The cold and grey weather here didn’t help my stress levels but yesterday was sunny and things felt a lot better. Hobbes lifted his hooves for me as well (only for a second but still 🙂 ).
Thanks for the encouragement!
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Rescued animals are often unknowns. What they experienced, how long they hold on to that…it is not easy and is scary for us.
How wonderful you were able to reach out through your fears and ask for both human and divine help and you were answered all around. Speaking from experience myself (and why o why do I think I have to be perfect still at this age? Can I grow out of it, please???) in asking for help, admitting I don’t know something is really the fastest way out of the fear…yet, still I wait and try to do it myself. Geez.
But as ‘they’ say, one day you will laugh at this 🙂
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So true! It’s like when the apostle Paul says he does what he does not want to do and doesn’t do what he should. When I read of his struggles it made me love him. LOL. And yes, how can I be in my fifties and still the same as when I was 12???
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Wow– well, you handled it ! who knew having one of those mini horses could be so stressful? 🙂
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Maybe for zen-types it’s not, but I’m more high-strung. Haha.
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Sorry, but LOL. Oh my. Pony must be big now. Thank you for airing the laundry you were so afraid people would see. All’s I know is you sound very (comfortingly) human. (Don’t ya hate ‘them folks who’re all buttoned up?) I hope you didn’t miss the awesome part of your drama, the wonderful people who came alongside through whom God met every need (not to mention the husband who gave you such a thoughtful gift). Wishing you the grit to plow through more of that fear in the coming year.
HW
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Hi there, Diana! So good to hear from you.
Yes, I really love when God sends His angels in the form of friends and strangers. Since last year my mini horse (who will stay small — if you think 400lbs is small :)) has taught me a lot about overcoming fear and setting good boundaries. These happen to be things I really need to brush up on. Miniature horses have the reputation of having a lot of “personality” (translate as attitude) and my Hobbes is no different. He demands that I take charge or else he will.
I’ve discovered that I can train animals and stay emotionally disciplined in relationships — who knew?
Anyway, hope all is well with you and have a happy year!
A
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