Spring has come despite the fear swirling around the parking lots littered with tossed away masks anytime I venture off the farm and into the “real world.” I try not to believe too strongly in this real world created by men and women who will never be held accountable for the tales they tell.
I choose to believe that I will live here until it is time for me to go. I do my best to tread lightly upon other people’s fears because I have so often fallen prey to the habit and weird allure of fear and victimhood. Yet there came a time after the worst things happened that I realized I would survive. I had to decide if the pain of fear was truly the companion I would take with me on the rest of the journey.
There were many frosty days of fear promised, but I began to notice the new and emerald growth in the valleys. I used to fight my fears by diving into deep pools to see if I’d swim or sink in the tangles of worldly cares and ambitions. And then I realized these acts of daring and fight were useless and silly.
To live without any longer needing to prove to the egotistical monsters my value was truly the most fearless thing I could do. People debate health topics and kill friendships. I believe what I believe and get on with my life. Maybe I will die tomorrow. Who knows? I may as well be nice to people especially if they are still gripped in fear.
If I finish a project or don’t it no longer matters. This worry used to keep me from even starting. The Y2K scare, the 9-11 scare, the illness and disease scares — and still I am here. Don’t get me wrong. I mourn the death of my uncle who died after getting the shot and for others who died from sickness. Yet I know we all will die and that it will seem unfair or terrible. In the meantime I like having goals.
I still want to make tons of money writing so that I can buy a pond. I still haven’t figured out how to do that yet. I’m writing a novel that I’m thoroughly engrossed in, yet for now it is enough to love my characters and immerse myself in research.
As an artist and writer I no longer fear living or dying. I only fear not creating, not sharing, not encouraging beauty, goodness and truth — wherever that takes me.
I encourage you today if you are fearful to accept that the emotion is only useful to a point. Sometimes talking to a friend helps or turning off the news. We are all born to create — to bring a little heaven to earth for each other — don’t deny us what only you can offer.
Since my daughter is still in the mental health facility I’ve had time to not only write, but to make crafty things for the sheer fun of it:
Over the winter I started making gourd head dolls too. Little Zack has been wanting to kill them for weeks and yesterday he climbed up and got one!
Have a wonderfully fearless week!
2 responses to ““The worst of all fears is the fear of living.” Theodore Roosevelt”
What an uplifting article, Adrienne. To have so many worthy activities to pursue, it’d no wonder your mental outlook is positive. One of my dearest and oldest friends left a message on my phone a few weeks ago. She was enraged that I had called her as she was in the midst of a huge breakdown over her phone service and didn’t appreciate my social phone call. Another (no longer) friend ranted at me that she was extremely sad and I should understand her woe because she didn’t have anyone to love her. In both cases, I suggested that these dear friends find whom they could help, or an organization to volunteer with. Neither felt my ideas worth their time. Another very close friend suffers from constant, painful fibromyalgia, yet devotes her time to a well researched blog where she presents the newest information on brain science, assisting people in finding their own mental balance and enrichment. When we allow ourselves to be consumed by our personal problems, many of them petty, we sink into an abyss with an inability to function. We see the world as painful and miserable, and can’t find a way to exit the realm of negativity. Thanks for telling us what you’re doing to make your life and the lives of others richer. It is a good way forward.
People are so on edge and I totally get it, but I find comfort in thinking that we were put here at this particular time for a reason so we may as well make the best of it. The other day I was reading comments on someone’s post and one of the commenters said all humanity was evil and wished for extinction. I’ve heard this sentiment many times.
Of course it doesn’t make sense because here this person is choosing to stay alive and write comments and be on instagram . Haha. Yet I feel sorry that they hate themselves so much and see none of the beauty which still does exist here. I have my down days but I still think humanity is worthwhile 🙂
My mother recently had to stop being friends with a woman (I knew her too) who was just so insufferably miserable and bitter. Everyone was stupid and terrible. My mother is an optimist (so obviously dumb in this woman’s eyes).
The election was the last straw. My family loves talking politics, religion etc. All the no-no’s. The woman just could not handle anyone’s different opinion.
There’s just no need to be constantly aggressive. But in the end I do feel sorry for people who live in such a dark world 24/7. I used to be so fearful and anxious and depressed when I was a kid in school. I think I don’t do well in institutions. Haha!